Showing posts with label social skills. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social skills. Show all posts

Sunday, February 28, 2016

How Neurological Differences Affect Our Christian Witness

If we don’t understand how neurological differences affect our Christian witness, most likely we’ll disappoint God in this area. This applies to both Aspies and NTs. If our aim is to be a good witness, our focus will be on something we’re doing rather than on who we are in Christ. Distorted values make us dysfunctional Christians. Our sense of being of value to God doesn’t depend on what we do, but rather on who we are in Christ. Looking at who we are in Christ keeps us humble and equips us to esteem others better than ourselves. Without this lowliness of mind, attempts at being a good witness will be counter-productive.

A faulty comprehension of Aspergers destroys the possibility for a NT Christian to draw an unsaved Aspie to the Lord. A faulty comprehension of NTs by Aspies has this same destructive effect. NTs create and perpetuate distorted perceptions of Aspergers. Thanks to this bias against Aspies, myths about Aspergers continue to spread. The myth Aspies are being fed about NTs is the idea that NTs are socially superior beings. The correct view is each culture is socially different. One is not superior over the other, even though too many NTs think so.

NTs judge Aspies by what they can see. They’re incapable of knowing why they see what they do about Aspies, so they make assumptions to fit their mindset. If their mindset about Aspergers is negative, then their opinions about Aspies will also be negative. If their mindset about Aspergers is neutral, then they’re ready to apply 1 Corinthians 9:19-23 to readjust their approach for the sake of the gospel so they may win those who are different. Christian Aspies need to be the same way with unsaved NTs.

We gather from Paul's words in 1Cor 9:19-23 that Jews and Gentiles are two different cultures. So are NTs and Aspies. God does not view one as superior over the other. Imagine if Jews had myths about Gentiles like NTs do about Aspies. They’d be impotent (not important!) witnesses. NTs are incapable of thinking like Aspies and vice versa. A dog can’t think like a cat and vice versa, but they can learn to live with each other in the same environment. They can even love each other and enjoy one another. Churches can have this same harmony with a neurologically mixed congregation, but not if they can’t see the ways in which they may be insulting.

Can you see what makes this statement (said by a NT Christian about Aspies) arrogant?:

"If someone comes to me with poor social skills and I reject them, I've sinned - they didn't. So, if the Lord needs to bring people into my life who are somewhat incompetent, who in terms of communication wise are not the greatest, in order to teach me how to be more accepting of people, then that could potentially also be another benefit." 

Did you spot the myth he embraces about Aspergers? The words that reveal his arrogance and ignorance are ‘poor’ and ‘incompetent’. They’re judgmental, subjective (relative), and opinionated (biased). The accurate way to describe Aspergers is to say Aspies are as equally competent to communicate as NTs. Just because social skills are different does not make them poor.

Every culture forms their own unique social skills. Because a deaf person uses sign language to communicate, does this mean he has ‘poor’ social skills and is ‘incompetent’ to communicate? To embrace such a myth and arrogant attitude does not fit with Philippians 2:3 […let each esteem other better than themselves]. It does the opposite. It has the hearing person esteeming himself as being being better than the deaf person. Because the hearing culture is the majority, it mistakenly assumes the deaf culture supports cochlear implants. Hearing people fail to see how insulting this is. They don’t bother to enter the deaf world to see things from a deaf person’s perspective. They’d rather project themselves when they esteem themselves more highly than deaf people. Arrogance makes the hearing mind-blind to knowing deaf people think differently than the hearing group.

Arrogance seeks to unwittingly morph invalid assumptions into facts. Throughout history, this is what humans do. It’s up to the ‘suppressed’ race to not allow this. The non-suppressed too often are not conscious of being rude. This lack of awareness on their part can lead them to mistakenly accuse the suppressed group as being rude. Instead of attacking the miscommunication occurring equally by both parties, who someone is gets attacked. Aspergers is who someone is. Not some ‘disorder’ he has. The internet is saturated with toxic bias against Aspies to epidemic proportions!

Since it’s human nature to return insult for insult, rudeness attracts rudeness in return. Everyone easily detects arrogance coming from others towards them. Only by the grace of God do we detect it in ourselves and realize how we’re alienating the other person. Aspies are constantly given the message they’re socially incompetent. Aspies want to know how and why NTs think this about them, much more than NTs care to know how and why many Aspies think NTs are socially incompetent. This would be the other way around if Aspies were the majority and NTs were the minority. The communication skills NTs possess are ‘incompetent’ in an Aspie culture. If this wasn’t true, Aspies wouldn’t be puzzled over why NTs act as weird as they do.

Ignorance permits barbaric treatment. An accurate education promotes preservation. Animal sanctuaries are not created by ignorant judgmental people. Ignorance comes from ignoring. Ignore sincerely wanting to know how and why neurologically different people (i.e., Aspies) think as they do and the result is eugenics (extinction) rather than preservation (valuing life). Misjudging others is a form of protecting ignorance and perpetuating it.

Humble people are willing to do what’s uncomfortable and unnatural. They think about how to converse. When conversing is not natural and instead is strange (different), some people become so uncomfortable they cannot continue. Some muddle through. Some excel. Those who argue do so because they want to converse, but don’t want to listen, learn, and work to understand. They would if they realized it is more important for the unsaved person to feel appreciated and respected than it is for saved people to do so. As Christians, we already know we are nothing apart from Christ. Those who haven’t learned this yet, are certainly not going to be drawn to the gospel by Christians who also haven’t learned this. Instead, arguing and/or alienation is the result.

The TLB paraphrases Paul’s approach like this:

“When I am with the Jews I seem as one of them so that they will listen to the Gospel and I can win them to Christ. When I am with Gentiles who follow Jewish customs and ceremonies I don’t argue, even though I don’t agree, because I want to help them. When with the heathen I agree with them as much as I can, except of course that I must always do what is right as a Christian. And so, by agreeing, I can win their confidence and help them too. When I am with those whose consciences bother them easily, I don’t act as though I know it all and don’t say they are foolish; the result is that they are willing to let me help them. Yes, whatever a person is like, I try to find common ground with him so that he will let me tell him about Christ and let Christ save him.”

The MSG paraphrases Paul’s approach this way:

“I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view.” 

The way to paraphrase this approach Paul uses in the context of neurologically different cultures is (assuming he’s NT):

“When I am with Aspies, I seem as one of them. I don’t argue even though I don’t understand their culture, because I want to help them. I agree with Aspies as much as I can, as long as I do what is right as a Christian. I don’t act as though I know more than they do or as if I’m wiser or smarter than them. I try to find common ground with them. I enter their world to learn how I may see things from their point of view.”

If Paul was an Aspie, the above would be applied in reverse.

In a reply I made on February 24, 2016 to a comment, I said focusing on being a good witness actually has the opposite effect because the focus is on self and not Jesus. We need to approach others with the mindset of Philippians 2:3. Christians, being human as we are, can easily get effect and cause subtly twisted backwards. Jesus never asked His Heavenly Father to show Him how He could be a good witness. The reason He didn’t need to do this was because He was humble. Walking in the Spirit can’t be done unless we’re humble.

It may seem 1Cor 9:19-23 requires us to focus on how we can be a good witness, as if that will cause us to become one. 1Cor 9:19-23 is actually the effect of abiding by Philippians 2:3. Only when we bypass esteeming others better than ourselves, does applying 1Cor 9:19-23 backfire. It backfires because there is no empathy or compassion due to ignorance.

Aspies also judge NTs by what they can observe. Aspies know they don’t know why NTs do what they do. They don’t try to assume to know. This is one reason why there are no myths about NTs created by Aspies. Adult Aspies don’t study NT children to see why they’re odd, but there are some Aspies who do study NT adults to try to understand why NTs function as they do. Aspies appreciate honesty, but because they’re rarely going to get a straightforward answer to the bottom line reason for why NTs think or behave as they do, they’re forced to have to guess.

In God’s eyes, there are only two types of people. Either someone is saved or they’re not. Modern secular society divides people neurologically. Either someone is neurotypical or they’re not. Too many NTs view being neuro-A-typical as something the world needs deliverance from. Those who misjudge Aspies as being “socially incompetent” are hiding from their own arrogance and insecurities.

Imagine a church filled only with Aspies. Then along comes a NT to join their congregation. How drawn to Christ is this NT going to feel if the Aspies think this visitor is beneficial to them because it helps them to be more accepting of someone who is somewhat incompetent to communicate?

Communication is a two-way street. When it fails, it fails because neither side knows how to comprehend what the other is communicating. People like people like themselves. Even if miscommunication didn’t exist, motives are always invisible. Why someone does what he does is not for anyone to judge. Only God can fully comprehend both NTs and Aspies.

Just because a message is interpreted correctly is no reason to assume to know why someone different acts or thinks as they do. Fools make assumptions when they don’t know. A wise person doesn’t.

Basically, the ONLY trait that differs Aspies from NTs is the way thoughts are processed. Windows and Mac computers have different operating systems. Put garbage data in either system, and garbage is what comes out. Arrogant pride is garbage. A humble heart is precious regardless of what neurological operating system it functions through!
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Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Aspergers Part of the Body of Christ

The Aspergers part of the body of Christ needs more thought. As the church contains men and women, so it also contains neurotypicals and Aspies. Women typically congregate with women and men do likewise with men when socializing.

For Aspies, socializing seems like it needs its own version of 2 Corinthians 6:14-18, "Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership have righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever? Or what agreement has the temple of God with idols? For we are the temple of the living God."

Warning: what's about to follow is both funny and not-so-funny. It's a harsh reality Aspies learn and neurotypicals cannot honestly deny. Aspies are equipped to take things direct, so are not likely to be offended. NTs being accustomed to hints may get upset, but if thought is provoked, then it has done some good.

Aspies… Do not expect to be bound closely together with neurotypical Christians; for what partnership have Aspies and neurotypicals, or what fellowship has hyper-focus with hypo-focus? Or what harmony has complexity with simplicity, or what has a hyper-thinker in common with a hypo-thinker? Or what agreement has the straight-forward with hinters? For we are the hyper-sensitive, hyper-empathetic, hyper-intuitive, hyper-vigilant, hyper-strange part of the body of Christ!

The good news for both neurotypical Christians and Aspie Christians is that the Lord says, “I will dwell in them and walk among them; And I will be their God, and they shall be My people. I will welcome you. And I will be a father to you, And you shall be sons and daughters to Me,” says the Lord Almighty.

The main reason why Aspies can't expect social unity with NTs is because neither will think like the other. Confusion exists both ways. Aspies confuse NTs and NTs confuse Aspies. Cynthia Kim provides this great example when answering What is Neurotypical:

Sometimes NT behavior can be frustrating. For example, you may notice that NTs have a tendency to say something other than what they mean. If you get a new haircut and you’re not sure how it looks on you, don’t bother asking an NT. Most will tell you it looks great, even if it doesn't.

Why? Because when a neurotypical woman asks her friend “how do you like my new haircut?” she isn’t looking for her friend’s opinion, she’s looking for validation. When her friend says, “I love it” she may mean I love your hair, but what she’s really saying is I love you and value you as a person.

So when your NT friend says “how do you like my new haircut?” and you, being your aspie self, reply, “It’s a little short in the back but I like it”, your NT friend hears I secretly hate you and think you’re ugly.

Confusing, I know.

And good luck getting an opinion out of an NT when you really need one. It may help to preface your question by explicitly stating that you’re seeking an actual, honest-to-God opinion but, even then, the NT’s dogged adherence to socially appropriate behavior may inhibit their ability to say what they’re really thinking. Try to remember that NTs were born this way and their natural sensitivity to what others are thinking and feeling often makes it hard for them to be completely honest.

Don't think confusion will leave, especially when most NTs don't try to understand Asperger's because they don't really have to. These are words from a NT:

Neurotypicals are a huge majority in society and they have each other and can understand and relate to each other and society is "designed" for them, so they have little trouble functioning according to society's expectations. It's easier for them to just ignore the few people who are different from them than to try to understand them. Not understanding aspies has very little consequences for most neurotypicals, so they take the easy way out and don't even try.

At least ignoring those who are different is better than wrongly judging them.
read more "The Aspergers Part of the Body of Christ"

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Asperger's Syndrome Explained

Asperger's syndrome is briefly explained in PBS’s episode of Arthur When Carl Met George. A recent Live From Seattle interview did not allow sufficient time for an in-depth response to how accurate this explanation is. It is accurate for children. Aspergers may not be as obvious in adults, especially women. Aspergers is who one is; not what one has or does. A swimmer is a swimmer because he swims. An Aspie is an Aspie regardless of what he or she does.

In this kid’s show George said,

“One of the reasons I like Carl is that he is really honest. He’s also an amazing artist.” 

We get an idea of why it is Aspie males are seen as professors. Arthur has no female version of an Aspie. Few know Aspie females are seen as philosophers. Both genders may be gifted in creativity.

Once an Aspie starts explaining something, it becomes challenging for him to know how much is enough. One suggestion is for the neurotypical person to put up an index finger to let him know when the message has been comprehended, or when there is no desire to hear it. It’s only fair to allow the same courtesy in reverse. Unfortunately, NTs prefer to not respond.

Carl kept on gushing out his knowledge about trains to George when George waved his hand for him to stop. It wasn’t that Carl lacked empathy towards George. Carl was excited and wanted to share his excitement. His intent was not to impress. George did not make Carl feel nervous. George knew Carl was not negatively judgmental. He knew Carl looked for the good things in others and appreciated them, even though George didn’t understand Carl. George respected Carl’s different way of thinking.

Many adult Aspies do get nervous around NTs. Realizing you’re being judged, along with knowing it will likely create misperceptions and future problems, triggers frustration.  This may be the main reason Aspies have to devote nearly every ounce of processing energy they have to decoding the words others say to them. NTs don’t seem to bother to try to understand. Judging and labeling is easier and faster than putting effort towards understanding how Aspies think differently than NTs. Aspies crave to know why for many things. NTs generally don’t.
 
Aspies learn to expect being ignored by NTs, along with figuring out they’re usually not interested in anything Aspies have to say. An exception to this may be when a NT has a loved one who is an Aspie. This isn’t always the case. There are plenty of NTs with a beloved Aspie in their life who have no desire to hear input from a non-loved Aspie. Those are the ones likely to shove their misguided assumptions about Aspies onto others without any thought or care towards the destructive consequences of their actions. There may be some NTs who are interested in what an Aspie has to say, but they may be too embarrassed to let on they don’t understand.

In this Arthur episode about Aspergers, George is an exceptional friend to Carl. It’s an example of how children can be more accommodating than adults sometimes. In the adult world, George most likely would not like Carl. Adults are more set in their ways. When a NT adult is pushed out of his comfort zone by an Aspie, he most likely will unwittingly build up reasons to dislike the Aspie. This helps him avoid feeling guilty for treating an Aspie in a way he would not like to be treated. Given that most people are NT, this is easy to do.

Also in this episode, Aspies desire,

“You wish the scientists back on earth had given you a guide book to the strange planet but they forgot to pack one so you have to try to learn things all on your own.” 

Aspies are constantly trying to figure things out on their own, especially the older generation. The Golden Rule is confusing to Aspies. When an Aspie treats a NT as he would want to be treated, he may be shunned. Carl was honest about his thoughts on George’s picture of a lion when he told George he doesn’t like brown. Aspies don’t get hints. NTs love them. Even a NT 3-year-old will be far superior with regard to his ability to understand the pretense of others. Aspies need things direct. That’s why it’s easy for NTs to manipulate Aspies and bully them.

Attractive Aspie girls are particularly vulnerable to being taken advantage of by NT boys, especially if they’re not trained up by the words of scripture. God’s word in the Bible is an Aspie’s best hope against a life filled with mistakes. This is no different for NTs. The truth of the gospel has the power to set character disturbed manipulators free. It also can set victims of bullying free from becoming increasingly neurotic. If the show Arthur was a Christian one, they would have said the scientist who created earth did pack a guide book to the strange planet we live on. The Bible is a guide book for everyone.

The message we need to remember is this:

If we personally reject God’s unmerited love, it will be evident by our contentment to find fault in those whom we don’t like. Whoever would rather forfeit eternal life than give up being self-righteous, foolishly trusts in himself and privily despises others. Only the humble will say, “God be merciful to me a sinner.”
read more "Asperger's Syndrome Explained"

Friday, February 13, 2015

Judgmental Congregation

Church surveys consistently reveal the greatest need in the body of Christ is acceptance, fellowship, and inclusion! This means include and accept everyone.

Quoting a neurotypical's observation (from Joni and Friends, Part 2: Truth for the Church; section 18:15), "If someone comes to me with poor social skills and I reject them, I've sinned - they didn't. So, if the Lord needs to bring people into my life who are somewhat incompetent, who in terms of communication wise are not the greatest, in order to teach me how to be more accepting of people, then that could potentially also be another benefit."

What makes someone think it's Aspies who are incompetent? The neurotypical majority's opinion? What exactly is incompetent about a neuro-A-typical individual? Wouldn't the incompetent one be the person who doesn't know what to do or how to think?

Teddy & Chiliswoman answer the question, "Why do some NT's find people with Asperger's so unlikeable or annoying?" quite accurately by saying, "...they (NTs) do become annoyed - at them self because now they don't know what to say or do. They have to think about how to converse with you (the Aspie). It is no longer natural and ordinary. Some people are so uncomfortable with that that they cannot continue the conversation, others muddle through, and some excel."

Many accuse adult Aspies of creating their own problems. This thought places the blame of rejection on the victim. It is no different than telling a woman who was raped she must have somehow asked for it.

It's commonly said people with Aspergers are anti-social. This perpetuates the notion that Aspies are to blame for lacking fellowship among the church's congregation. Expressing a desire for a prayer partner for an Aspie can result in being told, "There are Christians persecuted in other countries who don’t have a prayer partner." A pastor may also say, "Aspergers is something psychologists made up." Yes, they made the label up. However, things don't need a label in order to exist. Labels are a communication tool.

The church needs Aspies as much as Aspies need the church. God created man in His own image and we are all one in Christ Jesus. The body of Christ is not complete if it does not fellowship with the believers who are a social discomfort. Social discomfort is a two-way street.

The American Association of Christian Counselors includes the post Asperger’s Syndrome and Spirituality. In it, Rev. Stephanie C. Holmes, M.A. recalls a time in her daughter’s life when she was not drawn toward the church or Christians. The reality of many Aspies’ experience with religious hypocrisy grieves her. She explains why individuals with Aspergers need the church to BE the body of Christ.

It is hypocritical to think Asperger individuals are the only ones with poor social skills. What worse social skill is there than to reject a person simply because she may take you out of your comfort zone?
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